As far back as I can remember I had unnatural feelings. I'd find myself wondering what was wrong. At a young age I often wondered if my brain was broken. Nothing was physically wrong with me yet I always felt different. Something wasn't right and no one knew it.
It wasn't until about third grade (I guess I was about eight) when the unnatural feelings started to surface outward. As I sat in Mrs. Carter's third grade class on one sunny afternoon I remember watching the girl next to me gently stroke the classroom pet, a white fluffy bunny. I turned to her and asked her if she promised to not tell anyone if she'd be my girlfriend . Now I'm really not sure if I really expected her to say yes but when she did I was unprepared. In my eight year old mind knowing girls aren't to be with girls because the Bible tells you so I did the best thing I knew to do. I told her, "eew! no we can't be girlfriends. We're both girls eew, your gay!!" Finally it had come out of me into the world to show its ugly face. To bad "it" came a few years to early because even though it showed itself I was still to young to process what "it" was and the direct impact it would have on me and in my life. What I did know was that that was not a conversation I'd have with anyone else. Ever.
Well ever wasn't forever. Going into the late 1990's it may have seemed like it but it wasn't . By now my family had relocated to the beantown (it took me forever to figure out why it was called that). My family consisted of my mother, two sisters and one annoying big brother. It was hard enough to move to a new city away from all of your friends let alone a new state. The only friends I had now were my siblings. Of course my mother too but being a single parent working two jobs to keep the family afloat we didn't see her much. Although my mother was not home as often as she or we would have preferred she was very much so involved and she always knew every and anything going on with us. She was my best friend.
After finally settling in finding my groove here in Boston I felt normal, not like I was walking around with a sack of patties in my backpack. Then one day out of the blue "it" came back. I was terrified I hadn't had to deal with it in so long. Finally I get a handle on what my perception of normalcy was and how it should feel and...it's back. This time each day worst than the last. Everyday
it was harder to wake up and go on about my day like it wasn't hovering around me. Each step regardless of the direction was much harder than its predecessor. My steps were heavy, my mind heavy with thought and mostly my heart being drug down with sadness. I went to sleep feeling like that, the next morning after waking up feeling like I had been hit by a Mac truck, I decided no more. It's time. I knew what "it" wanted. I just didn't want to acknowledge what I thought only existed secretly locked safely away in may mind.
Mother was home sick one day. One day turned into a week I catered to her everyday of that week to nurse her back to health. It's an amazing sixth sense parents have about their children because tho she was not well she was still able to sense something was up with me. She informed me that she'd noticed a difference in me a couple of weeks ago. Damn and here I was thinking thinking I choose the perfect mask to wear in her presence, apparently not. I informed her that something was indeed weighing heavily on me then I proceeded to asked her what she thought it was? She gave a few gauge responses all which were incorrect yet I could tell she was holding something back from me. I asked her, "what is you really want to say"? After a long pause which in my mind translated to oh God she must know, she asks, her Spanish accent heavier than usual as if she's choosing her next words very carefully, "Marilyn are you pregnant"? Pregnant oh how she couldn't be further from the truth. Truth was I'd never b pregnant, have a husband or give her grand kids. So after a long awkward silence between us (which I'm sure translated to her, as yep I knew it. Mami knows these things- her favorite phrase).
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